213 things that are forbidden to ordinary U.S. Army

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark cartoon on duty. 
2. According to regulations, My proper "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia ' 
3. Not allowed to threaten anybody. black magic. 
4. Not allowed to ask for a lock of hair anyone who claims that black magic does not happen. 
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 
6. Not allowed to play officers, scenes from "Pulp Fiction" with a homemade crossbow.
7. Not allowed to add "... accordance with the prophesy "to the end of answers to questions the officer. 
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I disliked posters wanted for war crimes. 
9. Not allowed to title any product "Get Over it". 
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time. 
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. 
12. Not allowed to join any militia. 
13. Not allowed to form any militia. 
14. Not allowed to leave the room at the time the president visited Sarajevo. 
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to "Sic Brass!" 
16. Get a haircut even if it tampers with my "Samson like powers". 
17. God can not cancel any, give me an order. 
18. No longer perform my now famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty. 
19. Not allowed to call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if it's true. 
20. Do not taunt the French army. 
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS (British Special Forces). 
22. Do not call an SAS a "Wanker". 
23. Must never ask anyone above me in rank, and that the dope they smoked. 
24. Do not tell any officer that I am smarter than them, especially if it's true. 
25. Never confuse a Dutch and French soldiers. 
26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in WWII!" 
27. Do not tell jokes about Princess Diana's face British Airborne. 
28. Do not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (even if they do hit snooze about forty times). 
29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms". 
30. Not allowed to wake an ensign with the help of multiple blows to the head bag of trash. 
31. Sock puppets can not take the blame for my actions. 
32. Sock puppets can not stand on guard for me. 
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I brought enough for everybody. 
35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt by Megadeth during airborne operation. (See the earth below / Soon I hit / Black Death, blue skies, I'm going to the creator) 
36. Can not have flashbacks to wars I was not (the Spanish-American War is not over, and so on). 
37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larvasa" rather than "Doctor Aibolit" 
38. Our supply is called "Sgt Watkins" not "Sugar Daddy" 
39. Not allowed to ask for time off in connection with the fact that according to my beliefs, in this day end of the world "more than once. 
40. I do not have super-powers. 
41. "Keep-wheel tuk-tuk-tuk" is * not * a "one of the psychological warfare." 
42. Not allowed enlistment posters, appealing to instincts in recruitment. 
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 
44. I am not the atheist chaplain. 
45. I am not allowed to "Go into town and shake the body for a lot of money that cram into my pants." 
46. I can not dismiss the officers. 
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, as well as any of these, forty-nine, lesser states. 
48. You may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment at the "magic beans". 
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 
51. Not allowed to quote "Dr Seuss" during the discussion of military operations. 
52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range. 
53. Not allowed to quote "Full Metal Jacket" at the rifle range. 
54. The phrase "Napalm sticks to kids" is * not * a fighting spirit. 
55. Order Do-skin boots look like a young plum skin "does * not * involve fruit. 
56. Order to "Make my Boots black and shiny" does not involve electrical tape. 
57. Not allowed to answer "Why?" To a lawful order. 
58. The following phrases may not be used in a cadence: Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we are now in jackboots, dissolute shenochek, as well as any references to squid. 
59. Not allowed to create posters depicting the leadership failings of my commanders. 
60. "The Giant Space Ants" are not the highest command structure. 
61. If the soldier's shoulder straps starleya, and I - a sergeant, this means that he is above the title. This is * not * mean "I have been promoted four times, and you - alone." 
62. It is better to ask forgiveness than permission "to Schwarz longer applicable. 
63. Command decisions do * not * need to be ratified by 2 / 3, by secret ballot. 
64. Inflatable sex toys * not * entitle me to "compassionate leave" or "separation allowance". 
65. Under my bed no evil clowns living. 
66. In Bosnia there is no "Anti-Mime". 
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to "Block out the space mind control lasers". 
69. Do not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. 
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any medication. 
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in my chain of command. 
72. Do not wear gimp mask while on duty. 
73. Performance of any military duties preclude the wearing of "costume Nudist." 
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup ispolzovatsya. 
75. Not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. 
76. "Hut, hut, stand up to the woods on ahead, and to turn around ..." * not * a cadence. 
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You do not need to check my documents, you are looking at all the other androids." 
78. Do not call block my chain of command will automatically ignore the phone. 
79. I am not a king or queen of cheese. 
80. Not allowed to perform any military duty to wear a dress. 
81. Not allowed to come to the battalion formal dance with a transvestite. 
83. Prohibited from forming gangs, forced zabrivayuschie recruits into the Army. 
83. Do not start any record of words with "I recently had that I just can not tell you this not to write ..." 
84. Not use military vehicles to "flatten" anything. 
85. Not allowed to create any products that use images of dead soldiers "to the psychological impact on the enemy." 
86. Not allowed to call someone from my command to the "fair fight in the open field." 
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds. I must assume that I am allowed to do so. 
88. Not allowed to call a sergeant "Mom". 
89. Not refer to the Commander as "Dad". 
90. Inflatable sheep do * not * be displayed during a room inspection. 
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. 
92. When the officer asked me to "say a few words at a military ceremony, it is * not * is because of" Romper burum tadadam there there. " 
93. Nerve gases - this is not funny. 
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test. 
95. I do not need a more suitable host body. 
96. Farmers Watch a movie, Zombie is not approved by military training. 
97. In my fridge there Gremlins. 
98. The proper response to a chemical attack is not "Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks." 
99. Not allowed to mark a minefield emoticons. 
100. Antipersonnel mines were full of delicious candy, and so I am not allowed to tell recruits that. 
101. You may not fasten their bayonets to the heavy machine gun. 
102. Not allowed to bury the rodents with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war." 
103. My commander is not old enough to be a member of the Civil War, the U.S., and I do not have more on this hint. 
104. Vodka, green food coloring in a bottle of Listerine (rinse teeth) - bad idea. 
105. Not allowed to bum cigarettes from children under 12 years. 
106. Not allowed to trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, alcohol, sex, Kalashnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles pr va, small children, or bootleg CD. 
107. Not allowed nasmehatsya command decisions in front of the press. 
108. You may not nasmehatsya of correspondents, even if they are very thick, incredibly stupid, and working on the yellow press. 
109. I am not authorized to change national policy anywhere in Eastern Europe. 
110. Never, not for anything, do not try to correct Spetsnaz officers in anything. 
111. I am not authorized to drive any Armored vehicles Islands. U.S., Germany, Poland or Russia. 
112. Faced with an infantry officer, an appropriate greeting is not the phrase "Paryutisty throughout the first - ha ... Excuse me, sir. " 
113. It is not necessary to behave like people from the musicals, I hear the song from it. 
114. You can not sell their Russian officer. 
115. Not allowed to discuss the size of the penis senior. 
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea. 
117. Not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. 
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - no need to dance naked around them. 
119. I can not arrest children for being rude. 
120. Assembly officers are not the best place to tell my new racist jokes. 
121. Do not use government equipment for waterproof "dirty magazines. 
122. Should not be stored in the barracks of radioactive materials. 
123. Do not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, convincing them that it was useful phrases. [Learn Albanian, stsuka] 
124. "Limit drinking - two glasses of wine" does not mean that the first and last time for the evening must drink from the glasses. 
125. "Limit drinking - two glasses of wine does not mean the rest of the evening can only be two kinds of drinks. 
126. "Limit drinking - two glasses of wine" does not mean the drinks can be any size. 
127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that an intravenous infusion of whiskey is allowed.
128. "Spadoinkl" - coined the word. 
129. "Dancing Paperclip" Microsoft has no authority to countermand any orders. 
130. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question of captain. 
131. No dancing in the turret. Especially in combination with rule 113. 
132. Not allowed to discuss my ideas via speakerphone. 
133. Not allowed to pass loudspeaker system is that it is possible to transmit over the radio. 
134. Not allowed to transmit sound from the adult film loudspeaker system. 
135. An order to put polish his boots means the whole boot. 
136. Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole Wed *** u village! "During a mission is bad. 
137. Not allowed to appearing at a checkpoint in a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 
138. Even if my commander did it. 
139. Do not teach interpreters how to make "MRE vzryvatsya. 
140. I have no authority to sell the rights to develop mineral resources. 
141. You may not use this sword to disprove "The pen is mightier than the sword". 
142. Do not do exercises from the comics as a physical. 
143. I do not need to keep at his window card with the target distance and direction of fire. 
144. "The helmet, a backpack, and a thin, thin coat of polish" can not be uniform. 
145. Not allowed to drink two liters of blue food coloring before a test my urine for drugs. 
146. Also not allowed to drink two liters of red food dye to the same test and screaming in terror. 
147. Not allowed to threaten to commit suicide with the help of effervescent candy and Coca-Cola. 
149. Pour into a bottle of a dangerous drug red candies and eat them all during the general construction - not funny. 
149. Not allowed to create new forms of military documents and insist on filling them. 
150. During the established sports, torn clothing does not bring automatic win. 
151. Regulation way to report the arrival of my master is "Schwarz came to the team, sir," and not "You will not prove anything!" 
152. The following items do not exist in nature: the keys to the emission areas, roll of the grid, winter air for tires, parachute light bulbs, and batteries for chemical lamps. 
153. I am not allowed to assign new recruits "to protect the route aircraft. 
154. Not allowed to spread for a bottle of urine red pepper. 
155. Not allowed to teach the Albanian children izdevatsya over other soldiers. 
156. No longer allowed to dance striptease in uniform. 
157. Even if I shoot her in the process of dance. 
158. The time of the revolution has not yet come. 
159. Budchi detainees by military police, I do not have the "right to a full strip search." 
160. Also, to accompany him to the senior officers - a bad idea. 
161. In my uniform is no edible parts. 
162. Past life absolutely no effect on subordination. 
163. Take that hat off. 
163. Take it away from the head. 
164. Such creatures as "faith-virgin" does not exist in nature. 
165. I do not have your period. 
166. Pants are required to wear. 
167. To place in the barracks of business is not allowed. 
168. Especially if it is studio porn. 
169. Even with the "utmost patriotism" products. 
170. Not allowed to "cross over to the probable enemy" during the exercise. 
171. During the exercises, try not to shoot down a helicopter General. 
172. "Full horn and a bit of solitude for reflection" - the wrong way to help someone prone to suicide. 
173. I have no authority to create new levels of tolerance. 
174. Mechanical teddy bears are not allowed in classified areas. (This is not a rut, but a real instruction Min.Oborony). 
175. We will not "Brosatsya exposing the body to attack, as did the Celts" 
176. Devices, crawling on the table is already at moderate volume, banned for use in military buildings. 
177. It is forbidden to call the system "is kvadratnenkaya angular thing". 
178. I'm not "a lesbian trapped in a body of men." 
179. I may not indicate their race as "Other" in any military documents. 
180. Just not allowed it as "the Secretariat, in the third." 
181. "Pokemon Trainer" is not an endorsement of the military sspetsilizatsiey. 
182. Field Guide "Disciplinary action by a baseball bat" does not exist. 
183. My chain of command does not want to waste your time and nerves for hearing stories about me and the six boxes of fruit cakes. 
184. I do not have pytatsya do something that I "saw in the cartoon" on military vehicles. 
185. My name is not murderous word. 
186. I am not the Emperor of anything. 
187. I am not allowed izdevatsya the officers in breaking down nicotine, constantly showing them cigarettes. 
188. I am not allowed to call officers to "a duel with pistols, under the old oak tree at dawn". 
189. Do not check whether the Rangers have little beetles. They are never weak. 
190. Do not cook on a fire during the objection of the patrol service. 
191. Our jeeps can not Do you want a huge battle robot. 
192. "It just makes you think" - an incorrect answer to the orientation. 
193. Masons, and Gray Aliens are not part of my command staff. 
194. Never remove the incriminating photos of any of my commanders. 
195. Do not create incriminating photos of someone from my commanders in Photoshop. 
196. Do not apply tattoos. 
197. Do not just once more to sing "There once was Henry IV ..." up to 68 verse. 
198. Not allowed to lead "Revolt" during the exercise. 
199. Never priznavatsya of crimes that occurred before the date of my birth. 
200. My chain of command are not interested in, where in my car kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubbers. 
201. Never heroically pushing officers to the fragmentation grenades to save the lives of all offices. 
202. Despite the remarkable similarity in names, "Dance Rescue" and "Training the Rescue" can not be combined. 
203. When Lieutenant-recruiter asked me what I intend to do during his new contract in the Army, meet the "To win the earth with the help of the army flying monkeys" - a bad idea. 
204. NEVER nailed a stuffed bunny to a cross and place it in front of battalion headquarters as "Easter Dermoratsii" 
205. Not allowed to write false information in the leaflet malfunction jeep. (Broken catapult "," the third turbine is often throws a flame "," hyperspace engine makes a strange squealing when you turn on " 
206. Being a wounded enemy is not permissible. 
207. Self-heating meals * not * must be used for intimate lubricant. (Skippy wanted to see that he did not try to use them as such, he heard it over dinner on Sept. 22, 2001, and decided that it was so dirty that obzatelno should be mentioned) 
208. Not allowed to play along with insane fantasies civilians who "hear the orders" from NASA, the FBI, CIA and KGB for the microchip installed in their brains aliens. 
209. Paper bag from the plane must ispolzovatsya only for sea sickness. (Also, without the participation of Skippy .. heard at the same meal). 
210. Do not make and take with T-shirts with a picture pig and an inscription in Arabic "Eat Pork or Die!" While serving in Muslim countries. 
211. Not allowed to ask Colonel Steele put an autograph on my copy of "Black Hawk Down". 
212. Not allowed to be sent to nine jobs within 6 years that require my lack of level of admission, although Min. Defense argues that it I have to argue with them senseless. 
213. Not allowed to convince warrant that their pimples - the result of a rare parasitic disease.